Embracing My Shadows

Today, I just want to be brutally honest with you all. I no longer want to hide my current state and emotions behind my egoistic self who tells me, "No, you are 'supposed' to stay strong. You are a trainer/coach who helps people to handle emotions. You know how to handle yourself." It is very much like telling a doctor that man, you are a doctor, so you are not allowed to fall ill...

I am facing my own demons and working on them. I am breaking harmful patterns and developing new habits. I am constantly motivating myself despite certain difficult external situations and people around. I am facing it all, accepting it, sorting it. I might be super joyful at times and super low at times as layers are dissolving as I continue to add freshness and more Life to my life and what I do.

I also have been stopping myself from expressing fully after hearing from my own friends that "You should not share your problems with others..everyone has problems. You should not think negative. Go out. Make more boyfriends. Have sex. Don't stress. Go simply have flings with men till you find the right man. You are too emotional. You overthink etc..etc....".

I had stopped being louder and also started getting affected by anyone shouting or talking to me in high pitch.

I just couldn't take it. I was even commented upon on my "soft voice...not too loud one"...

I was being judged on every single thing...perhaps because I was judging myself. I had started taking my softness as my weakness after constant nagging by people, instead of taking it as a strength in this cold world.

However, there were parts of me who just wanted to go on the top of a hill and shout my lungs out and release the anger and pain I was holding on to.

Who knows, I was dealing and working with my own traumas of physical and emotional abuse I went through for over 20 years!!, day in and day out and that loud voice was just a trigger to those memories.

Who knows I was silently working on my voice and inner peace, day in and day out while constantly passing on hope to those who came to me for help...as I could feel the pain of the people even without them telling me about it.

Who knows all this made me develop skills using which I could exactly pin point the root cause of issues in people's lives and train my own instinct to the level that even beats a rational mind.

Shadows, my own shadows, that have given me long and dark nights, periods of silence and seclusion...were stopping me to courageously tell people that "Look, I express my painful moments the way people express their joyful moments, because I fckin got the courage to face my demons upfront. to say that yes, I got darker side too, to say that let me accept it, face it, deal with it. instead of denying it or covering it with TV, going out, junk food or via other ways of 'escaping' from it!!"..

I was told, many a times, by my own people that I should not be complaining or talking about pain and 'negative' stuff...I should look only for positives!! Damn, fu** this toxic positivity. The more we suppress our pain and negative emotions, the more furiously they burst out later... Which one is more toxic??..

I was also left alone when my friends saw my outbursts of anger as they got 'scared' and stopped meeting me...without realizing that some part of me felt comfortable in their presence that I could release the pain in front of them...but they vanished and now I am grateful that they did.

At times, it didnt want to talk to anyone and at times, I craved for real friends who do not advise or judge or give solutions but who just let me be, accept me along with my demons...

Some walked away even without giving reasons, some went back when their demands were not fulfilled...making me question my worth... If I say it never affected me, it would be a lie. We all get affected by how others treat us even though most of us mask it by putting up a confident face in front of people...but the good thing was they made me recognize my own triggers and patterns that I needed to change. So thanks to all those "teachers"....

If we have lot of garbage stored inside our homes, and we keep hiding it while regularly moping the house, will it stink or smell fresh?? That is exactly what we do to our hearts, bodies, minds and souls....we want to look great on the outside while silently sulking at nights in our rooms..

Believe you me, facing our shadows and accepting and working on them is NOT easy and not one day or 2 day thing!! It is a prcoess, a long process, at times months and years depending on how many years of conditional abuse and trauma one has been through and been "told to hide and suppress"..But truly worth the effort!! It makes you love and accept yourself fully, makes you so authentic in this world full of in authenticity, heals you, multiplies your power, has immense positive effects on health, wealth (yes, wealth too!) and happiness. You become truly positive and not toxic positive.

I give the whole credit of my being able to confess this today to another super strong woman Lyla, who did the same. Facing demons is being the real warrior...and not just the external demons...but to the internal ones that ain't visible to the naked eye.

Thanks for reading me and also yourself through these lines..an authentic pouring of my heart. We fear judgment because we judge our own self too much... Reading this might scare you a bit as we are never taught to express our real self since childhood... We cover it... for the fear of being labelled!!

Go, talk to a friend....but don't advise....just listen with empathy....that might be the only cure for that person. Feel it! Acknowledge it! That is the only way to heal it!

The author Preet, is a Trainer and artist